


Three Times Leo Was There For His Brothers

by Werepirechick



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Big Brothers, Canon Compliant, Commission fic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Familial Love, Family Feels, Gen, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Innocence, Loss of Parent(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Older Brothers, Team as Family, affectionately nicknamed the Good Older Brother Leo AU, but with some important changes, like that they all act like a real family and make sure each other are okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-17 19:06:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13083414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Werepirechick/pseuds/Werepirechick
Summary: And the time they were there for him.(AU where Leo actually acts like a good older brother, and works hard to make sure his brothers are alright.)





	Three Times Leo Was There For His Brothers

**Author's Note:**

> commissioned by the lovely Stef, an AU where Leo isn't a useless wannabe hero and actually does his job as an older brother. pretty self-explanatory in purpose.
> 
> fyi, this is the Leo i wish had been canon for 2012. he's 100% more likable as a sincerely caring older brother, versus an overbearing stick in the mud who's full of himself.
> 
> thanks Stef for making this happen. :D

Leo finds Mikey, some days after their misadventure in Dimension-X, staring upwards at the night sky with an oddly contemplative expression.

Usually, Mikey would be the first to have gone inside Murakami’s. He’d even broken off from patrol earlier and said he’d meet them here. Leo’s brother never misses a chance to snag the bulk of their order, or at least be the one to make his order first. Sitting outside on a clear night, perched on the edge of the roof and absolutely quiet, is out of the ordinary for Mikey’s behavior. He doesn’t even have his headphones on at the moment.

Of course… Mikey has been a little off in general the last while, in small moments here and there. But none of them have been too big- just Mikey being quiet for a while, or staring at everyone during training for a few more seconds than he normally would. Leo hasn’t worried, not until now.

Food is important to Mikey, since it can sometimes be hard to get good sorts on the table and their ingredients often end up limited to non-perishables. Mikey holding off getting food that’s fresh and hot and made by someone who accepts them for who they are is definitively weird.

So Leo, changing course from beating Raph and Donnie down to Murakami’s, hops up to the roof in silent bounds. Mikey still hears him, somehow, and twitches all over; turning his head and casting a guarded look over his shoulder at Leo’s feet hitting the rooftop.

When Mikey sees its just Leo, he relaxes subtly and returns to looking up at the sky. Leo frowns, because that’s new, too. Out of all of them, Mikey used to have the hardest time keeping track of his surroundings when he zoned out. Leo dislikes that he can’t remember when that stopped being a thing.

“Hey,” Leo says, walking over towards his brother. “How come you’re not inside already? You ditched us like, a full hour ago.”

Mikey shrugs, keeping his eyes on the dim stars of the NYC skyline. “Dunno, just thought I’d wait for you guys or something. It’s not so bad just hanging out, you know?”

Maybe so, but coming from his brother, who some nights can’t sit still even if and when his life depended on it, it sounds out of character. Leo sits down on the ledge with Mikey, hanging his legs over free air and knowing they’re both hidden by the glare of the sign below them.

Leo looks up at the sky Mikey is so intent on studying, picking out what faint constellations will show. He used to dream about going up there someday, meeting aliens and having his own space cruiser- until he figured out that turtles aren’t really allowed to do that, and lightspeed travel hasn’t been invented yet. The thought is still nice, though. The idea of populated worlds out there and the potential of contacting them.

“The stars are nice tonight,” Leo offers casually, finding the big dipper. Mikey hums in agreement.

“Yeah, they’re pretty,” He replies. Then he adds, “Dimension-X didn’t have a night sky. Or a real sky at all, actually.”

Leo glances over at Mikey. His little brother isn’t looking anywhere but upwards, still with that weird contemplativeness.

“…yeah, I noticed something like that,” Leo says slowly, watching Mikey. “Though I guess I wasn’t there long enough to know if it had a nighttime.”

“It doesn’t,” Mikey says. “It’s bright as hell all day every day. And pretty much everything is the sky? I- I wandered pretty far, a few times. Hopped downwards on those island thingies as far as I could. I don’t think they have solid land there. Just… sky.”

Leo notices that the more Mikey talks, the farther off his gaze gets. He touches Mikey’s shoulder and his brother blinks, coming back to himself. Mikey turns his head towards Leo, questioning.

“Are you okay?” Leo asks, feeling a squirm of worry in his gut. Mikey, as far as he knows, hasn’t actually… _talked_ to any of them about Dimension-X, or anything he experienced there. There wasn’t time when they were rescuing him, and Mikey didn’t seem like he had anything to say other than how cool it’d been, knowing what was what when no one else did.

“Who, me? Yeah, I’m okay. Why wouldn’t I be?” Mikey asks, eyes leaving Leo’s and looking away again. Avoiding eye contact is a classic trick Mikey pulls when he’s hiding something, so Leo pushes.

“Mikey, is there something that happened in Dimension-X you didn’t tell us about? You’ve been acting weird lately, and…” Leo puts a hand on Mikey’s, curling his fingers under his brother’s. “you’re kind of worrying me right now, honestly. Is there something you wanna talk about?”

Mikey looks down at their hands, and then back up at the sky. “It’s just…” His mouth goes tight around the edges. “D-X kinda felt endless sometimes, and there wasn’t ever really somewhere I could stay more than a few hours? I mean, half of the time it was really fucking cool- way more interesting than runnin’ the same patrol route the millionth time, right? But it… never stopped?” Mikey turns his hand over in Leo’s, not holding on, but not pulling away, either. “I got energy to burn, man, but… sometimes felt like you guys weren’t ever gonna get there. It got tiring, some days.”

Mikey’s eyes don’t stray from the sky the whole time he speaks, and stay there even after he stops. Leo’s squirm of worry becomes a weight of concern in his chest, and his eyes skitter across Mikey’s hand and arm.

There are scars there that hadn’t been, prior to Dimension-X. Some still partly pink, others healed over completely and silver-green, now. That’s at least two months of healing right there, if not more. There’s one right along Mikey’s jaw, straying a little too close to his throat for comfort, and that. That makes Leo feel unsettled all the way through.

Leo looks at Mikey, and finally, it slots into place why Mikey seems off in moments and a little more than different in others. Because he _is._ Mikey is different. There’s time between them now; time that felt like mere minutes to Leo, but were _months_ for Mikey.

Without anyone to see and share it, Mikey grew up a little more without Leo or any of their brothers. And he spent that whole time wondering if anyone was ever going to come find him.

Leo grips his little brother’s hand- and Mikey _is_ his little brother, whether he’s a few months older than Leo or not- and it draws Mikey’s attention back to him.

“We were coming to find you the second you went through the portal, Mikey,” Leo says, trying to be firm and feeling a little off-kilter as he does. “It’s the time dilation’s fault. We were _always_ going to get you out of there, okay?”

Leo will die before he ever leaves one of his brothers behind; he knows that as clearly and intrinsically as he knows any one of them could die each night they go out. A few seconds or a few years- it doesn’t matter. Leo would have gone to find Mikey, no matter how long it took. He would have found his brother and brought him home.

He wishes all the jargon of physics and alter-dimensions hadn’t made it take so long, this time around. For Mikey’s sake.

Mikey squeezes Leo’s hand, tight and reassuring.

“I know,” Mikey says, and smiles like he wasn’t alone for all that time; bright as before Dimension-X, scars or no. “Loneliness just makes you think dumb things sometimes. I knew you guys would show up eventually, whenever you got your lazy butts in gear.”

The humor doesn’t completely cover the vulnerability there, and that hurts Leo, somewhere deep inside. That even for a second, Mikey might of have doubted his own family would rescue him.

So Leo draws Mikey close, and hugs him; tucking Mikey up against himself and trying to undo those months of loneliness with a single gesture.

“We wouldn’t have left you there, I _swear,”_ Leo whispers, repeating his first word’s meanings. Mikey has to know that, he _has to._

Mikey’s arms come up around Leo’s shell, clutching him back with a sudden grip.

“I know,” Mikey whispers back, small and young. “I know. Thanks.”

Leo keeps hugging Mikey until his brother draws away, covering the emotional moment with a joke about all their food being nicked by Raph and Donnie before they even get a crack at it. Leo lets Mikey go only because he knows his brother isn’t going anywhere far.

He makes a silent promise to hug his brother more often, and to spend time with Mikey that’s not just patrol and training.

Leo grabs Mikey’s shoulders as they head into the restaurant; giving his brother an affectionate noogie as Raph and Donnie tease them about missing the chance to weigh in on the order. Mikey fends Leo off as their brothers welcome them, and Leo makes sure Mikey gets sat right between Donnie and Raph; safe and happy and back where he belongs.

 

\--/--

 

Months later, Leo wakes up and finds again he’s missed Mikey growing up a little more. He’s missed _all_ of his brothers growing up a little more, and their friends as well.

The world kept moving along while he was in his coma, and for the first while Leo just doesn’t know what to do with that. New York is sealed off from the rest of the world, their father is _missing_ , possibly _dead,_ and Leo-

Leo can’t walk at the moment. Not on his own.

He can’t lead while his legs give out under him without warning, and his voice sometimes cracks and won’t come back for hours. Leo is healing, but as he is… he can’t be the leader of his team. Who can follow a leader that can’t even walk with his own strength?

Donnie, who is gaunt and exhausted in little ways, tells him it’ll take time. That Leo needs to be patient and let them take care of him. Leo wants to fight that, protest and keep trying to force himself back to wellness, but he reluctantly agrees in the end to take it easy. If only because he can see in Donnie’s eyes, every time they sit down for daily physical therapy, that Leo’s brother blames himself, for whatever reason, that Leo isn’t at full health already.

Leo lets Donnie fuss about treatments, trying to ease that guilt, and swallows his wounded pride that he’s so useless like this.

He’s always been the leader, always been someone to depend on. He’d always tried his best to be that, and because of a failure and trauma that’s left him crippled, he can’t be anymore. Not for a long while yet.

It hurts, having to admit he’s not fit to lead at the moment. It hurts worse that he feels like he’s let down his team, his _family,_ and will keep letting them down so long as he’s stuck with crutches and a gravelly voice.

Nothing he can do about that, though. Not as he is.

So Leo rises in the mornings, and helps Mikey prepare at least a little of the breakfast for Casey and April before they go to their part-time jobs. He washes dishes as long as his leg will hold out, and then he goes to find wherever Donnie’s collapsed this time. Leo sets a mug of hot coffee beside Donnie’s slumped form at his desk, wakes him gently, and obediently follows Donnie through therapy exercises once he’s fully conscious again. Lunch is just the four of them, Leo and his brothers, and he attempts to help coach them all through training when April gets home. He can’t join in more than gentle stretches on the sidelines, unfortunately.

It’s not much, but he tries to keep positive. Leo can’t be a leader right now, but he can at least be a brother.

Though he wonders. While he was in his coma, who’d been leading in his place? Who’s _still_ leading in his place, while he finishes healing? He doesn’t doubt that they can all handle themselves on their own, his family, but this many people can’t be coordinated effectively without at least one person guiding. Someone has to have been doing that for things to be running this smoothly.

It takes an embarrassingly long time to notice who has been and still is leading in his place. Leo blames the fact that he’s still only a week and a half out of his coma.

Its little things that, in the end, tip him off. Maybe his brother doesn’t even notice he’s doing it, since unlike a year prior, Raph isn’t advertising his spot at the helm of their team.

Leo knew it’d been Raph who’d sat beside his bedside every day and nearly every night, monitoring his condition in case it took a turn for the worse, or for the better. But he hadn’t known until he really _looked_ that Raph has been doing much more than just playing sentry.

It’s in how Raph is just _present,_ even just in the periphery. Sometimes closer in, talking low and steady to whomever he’s with at the moment. Grounding, solidly _there._ Finishing the dishes Leo can’t and not saying a word about it, putting away leftover food before Mikey can even reach for the saranwrap and playing any videogame their brother wants; leaving a blanket on Donnie’s shoulders when he finally collapses from lack of sleep and putting a plate of food within reach during the day, encouraging April with curt words as she builds strength and stamina in training and watching her so she doesn’t get hurt; catching Casey’s attention before he can think too hard about his missing family and never leaving him or any of them truly alone.

Being there for them all.

Leo’s missed a lot, including Raph maturing enough to be capable of holding the fort down like this. In a way he still feels ashamed he was gone so long, that he’s still unable to be a dependable support, but more so he’s proud.

Maybe a year ago, he would have felt jealous that Raph is holding a position Leo always has. Now though… maybe he’s matured some, too.

Not more than a day after he arrives to that conclusion, Leo finds Raph sitting by himself on the back porch steps. It’s late at night, and as much as Leo would rather be asleep, the taint of nightmares is already too much for him to handle. So he chose to come outside; see the clear night sky and remind himself he’s not alone in that construction site anymore.

The unexpected company isn’t unwelcome. Seeing his family, talking and interacting with them, it makes it all the easier to wash away the residual terror of a bad dream. As his crutches’ thuds against the wood draw Raph’s attention, Leo sees in his brother’s expression that company to him might not be so unwelcome either.

Raph’s mask is hanging around his neck, and even with just the dim porchlight to see by, Leo notes there are dark circles under his brother’s eyes. None of them sleep too well anymore, but the dark shade of Raph’s bags is a little worse than normal. Leo wonders if Raph has also been suffering nightmares. He wouldn’t blame his brother for it.

“Evening,” Leo croaks, then wincing at his voice’s struggle. He clears it discreetly as he can. “You mind if I join you?”

Raph nods mutely. Leo sits down as his brother moves over on the step; easing his bad leg out and sighing under his breath at being off his feet.

“Is it bothering you?” Raph asks, eyeing the leg as Leo rubs his knee. “You want me to get your pain meds?”

Leo waves him off. “No, no it’s fine. I already had my dose at dinner.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure. I’m okay.”

“…hrm,” is all Raph replies with. Leo ignores his brother’s disbelief and looks out at the wide lawn of the farmhouse. The trees in the distance are a formless bulk of black, full of far off animal noises. The sky above them is not _full_ of stars, but certainly peppered with a gracious amount.

It’s beautiful, and nothing like they’ve ever gotten to see in the city or sewers. Even with the circumstances, Leo feels lucky to be here. He’s never seen so much green in his life, or stars.

Towards the edge of the wide lawn, the lights of the barn are still on, spilling through the cracks that riddle it. Leo doesn’t even have to guess why, though he does wonder why Raph is out here so late.

“Are you waiting on Donnie for something?” Leo asks Raph. He shrugs.

“No,” Raph replies, and then pauses. “Well, sort of. He’s been at it since early morning. He’s gonna fall asleep sooner or later.”

Leo then sees the blanket on Raph’s lap, mostly concealed by his arms as he leans on it. Leo smiles fondly.

“You’re tucking him in?” Leo says, keeping a laugh out of his hoarse voice. “Why not just get him into an actual bed, jeez.”

Raph rolls his eyes. “’cause then he’d wake up and go _“oh no my science experiments shit”_ and find caffeine to inject himself with. Which would put us at square one again. Trust me, this is the _only_ way he’ll get sleep these days. I had Mikey hide the coffeemaker halfway through the afternoon today; he can’t last much longer.”

Leo does laugh at that, because it’s true. The only way to get Donnie to rest up is to let him wind down, and then keep him asleep as long as possible. Leo’s noticed though that that habit of Donnie’s is much worse now. Usually, he’d only do it during really stressful periods of time.

Leo supposes this still counts as that, their situation being stuck on the farm and Leo stuck with his bum leg. They can’t leave until he’s fully healed.

The fact that he’s causing Donnie this stress, even just indirectly, is an unpleasant one that sits sickly in Leo’s stomach. He moves away from it by focusing on what Raph is doing right now, which is a considerably nicer thing to think on.

“Do you do this every night?” Leo asks softly, though he has his own suspicions already.

“…no,” Raph says, a beat too late to be believable. Leo gives his brother a look, and points at his eyes.

“The bags say otherwise.”

Raph frowns/grimaces, which is his default expression whenever he doesn’t know how to respond. Or how to admit he’s having _feelings._

“Sometimes.” Raph allows, and Leo rolls his eyes. “Just when I got time.”

“Well, we definitely have plenty of that,” Leo says wryly, rubbing his sore leg again. “That’s good, though. Good that you’re keeping an eye on him. Donnie always runs himself into the ground when he’s left to his own devices,” Leo shakes his head. “Don’t know what we’d do without you right now, bro.”

“Hn, you’d get by, somehow,” Raph says curtly. “You’re all not that stupid.”

“You sure? ‘cause last I looked, you’ve been doing a lot around here lately,” Leo smiles, feeling that gentle touch of pride in his chest again. “I actually wanted to say thanks for that, properly. The way things are… I can’t do much for anyone. So, thanks for filling for me. Makes it easier for me to rest up knowing you’ve got things under control.”

He expects Raph to preen, or at least puff up a little under the praise, but his brother just hunches his shoulders and won’t look at him.

“I’m not… actually doing anything, though,” Raph says, eyes on the treeline instead of Leo. “I mean- come on. Anyone can do this stuff. The others… they got something to contribute. Donnie- Donnie saved your _life,_ and Mike’s the only one who can actually cook anything decent, and April and Casey are the ones doing the real work bringing money in and keepin’ the lights on. I can’t do any of that, all I’ve been doing is-”

 _“Holding down the fort,”_ Leo interrupts, not letting Raph keep on. He lowers his voice, making it gentler. “I’ve only been awake a little over a week, Raph, but I can already see how much you do. You’re their rock. You’re always there when they need you, no matter what time of day. Being that for them… that’s more than enough, especially considering I can’t even try to be that right now.”

Raph sits silent, still not looking at him. Leo reaches out, putting a hand on Raph’s shoulder, drawing his brother’s attention onto him. Raph finally meets his eyes, and Leo smiles warmly.

“You kept them together, Raph,” Leo says sincerely. “and you’re still keeping them together. I can’t even _imagine_ how hard that’s been- I know it would have been so, so difficult for me to watch one of you go through what- what I did.” Phantom pain laces through him, and then fades. Leo doesn’t dwell on that nightmare longer than a second. “You might not think so, but you’ve done amazing. And I’m really proud of you for that.”

Raph stares at him for a long moment, and then lets out a small chuckle. He scrubs roughly at his nose, covering a soft sniffle, and turns away again. “Shut up, you sound like Sensei. It’s weird for my brother to say that.”

“I am basically your older brother though, so. Not _so_ weird,” Leo points out, teasing just a little.

“None of us knows who’s actually older,” Raph says in a mumble, a fight they’ve all had multiple times over the years. Tonight though, it doesn’t become that. It’s just a welcome familiarity.

Leo gently moves himself closer to Raph, getting close enough he can sling an arm around his brother’s wide shoulders and give him a sideways hug. It only takes a second for Raph’s to wind around the back of Leo’s shell, hugging back.

“Dunno how you do this stuff all the time,” Raph says with a tired huff. “It’s _exhausting_ being the responsible one.”

“After years of practice dealing with you assholes, I got the hang of it,” Leo replies, only fondness in his words.

“Yeah, well. Good to have you back, then,” Raph says, clearing his throat. It hardly hides the emotion there. “I was getting bored of being the stick in the mud anyway.”

Leo laughs quietly, feeling touched. “Good to be back.”

Raph hugs Leo to his side a moment longer, and then lets go. He doesn’t make any move to put space back between them after that. So they sit in relative silence on the steps, waiting for Donnie to finally be ready to sleep, and remain shoulder to shoulder the whole while.

After everything they’ve both been through the last months, it’s a welcome lull of peace.

 

\--/--

 

Peace never seems to last long for them, not with how many enemies they’ve made and how often they get themselves into trouble. Leo regrets that this case happens to be caused by both at the same time; an enemy… coming from inside of them.

He’s failed a number of times over the years. Failed to have the strength to stop Shredder in that construction site that still haunts his nightmares, failed to stop him again from murdering Splinter at the worst possible time, and failed to save an entire world from oblivion. Thankfully, that was all undone for the most part, even if he still carries thick scarring up and down his leg and around his throat.

Donnie’s death was undone, too, but not really. Something like that can’t be taken back, not completely. An experience that traumatic doesn’t go away; Leo knows that too well.

Leo failed to see one of his team members, one of his _family_ members, falling under the influence of something horrible, and both Donnie and April paid for it. Leo’s been on the receiving end of near death more than once, but never at the hands of one of their own. He can’t imagine being hurt like that, or _hurting_ like that.

April says she’s fine, that she just needs time to recover, but the hollowness to her is clear as she leaves. Like a shell of herself, emptied out of what makes her shine so bright. A part of Leo wants to reach out and pull her back into his home- which hers too, after all this time- but he knows she won’t be open to comfort. Not yet. Maybe not for a while.

And besides. There’s a larger part of him that’s instinctively defensive. Defensive of his family, as much as April is a part of that. She’s still his friend, and he _knows_ this wasn’t her fault, that _they_ were the ones who hadn’t seen she wasn’t herself the past weeks-

But she hurt his brother. And that’s not something he can forgive easily.

They all need time apart, he thinks. Their whole team. When the wounds are less fresh, they’ll talk about it. Try to mend things between them all; give apologies for mistakes and figure out where they go from there. For now though, they go their separate ways.

In the end, Leo and his brothers do the same. Drifting to their individual rooms for restless sleep now that the immediate drama is over. Casey limped off into the early dawn not long after April did, and Splinter has already turned off his light by the time Leo and his siblings are closing their doors. Donnie shuts his first; making his point again that he’s not in the headspace to interact with anyone, much as they’ve all tried to.

Leo respects that sometimes, especially when bad things happen, you need time to collect yourself. He has moments like that still, more often now days when Karai wears the Kuro Kabuto around her base, less often than the months after his coma. He’ll give Donnie space until he’s ready to talk.

Though he should have expected, Donnie will never be _ready_ to talk. The four of them are all repeat offenders for internalizing things and avoiding actual confrontation; Leo should have known that Donnie would lock himself inside his lab and skirt the subject of temporarily _dying_ like it’s the plague.

Leo is familiar with bad coping mechanisms, and his family has rarely let him get away with them for long. Donnie was there for him after the fall of New York. Leo in turn is going to be there for him now.

And maybe Donnie wants that, however much he’s been shutting them out, because the lab doors aren’t locked when Leo tries to open them a week after the Za’naron Incident.

Donnie is bent over a lab table in the middle of the room, hunched around some fiddly bit of technology connected to… something. It’s in too many pieces for Leo to even try to figure out its purpose or use.

He crosses the room with a calm stride, approaching the table with as little intention to startle as possible. Not that its needed; his brother doesn’t even notice him directly on the other side of the table. Donnie only looks up when Leo clears his throat; eyes hidden by his black goggles and a distinct bleariness to his, _“-whuh?”_

Leo holds out one of the two cups of tea he’s brought. Donnie doesn’t need any more caffeine than he’s already doped himself on.

“Hi,” Leo says, smiling comfortingly. “feel like talking?”

Even with the goggles in place, Leo can see Donnie blink in confusion.

“’bout what?” He asks with a slight slur, scrutinizing Leo. The amount of sleep deprivation he must have hit by now is really starting to show. Leo sighs.

“You’re the genius here, Donnie. You know what about.”

A grimace tugs at Donnie’s mouth.

“And if I don’t want to?”

“Then I give a sternly disapproving glare and ask again later.”

“…and if I say I don’t want to, again?”

“Rinse and repeat.” Leo won’t stop coming back until they do this, just like his brothers didn’t stop until he actually _talked_ about what happened in that construction site with the Shredder.

Talking about things like that hurts, but sometimes you need to hurt a little more before it gets better. Leo knows that. Donnie knows that, too.

Which is likely why Donnie sighs, putting down the soldering iron in his hands and pushing up his goggles to rub his eyes. They’ve got dark bags under them, and Leo ventures Donnie has scarcely gotten a full day’s sleep all week.

“Okay, let’s talk,” Donnie says quietly and holds out his hand for the tea. Leo gently presses it into his grasp, pulling up a seat to the table.

It’s probably only because Donnie’s been worn down over a whole week by all of them, trying at different times to get him to talk about his recent trauma, that Leo gets him to talk at all. It’s slow going, words coming in soft fits as Donnie fidgets with his tea and tools both. Leo is patient though, listening all the way through about Donnie’s early suspicions about April’s mental sanctity. Like he should have, right back at the beginning when Donnie first starting voicing concerns.

This could have been prevented. That is a stark and painful regret in Leo’s mind. But it wasn’t, so now they just have to pick up the pieces and put them back together best they can.

Leo doesn’t want this to have lasting damage on Donnie, or April, or their friendship. It probably will anyways. That may be the saddest fallout of this whole mess.

Leo listens to Donnie talk about how he started noticing irregularities in April’s behavior, little ticks that appeared or disappeared, and how he’d seen the obsessiveness she started about the crystal. Leo listens to his brother talk about the few times he tried to confront her about it, to try mitigating a possible disaster he suspected was budding, and how April had shut him out time and again. Leo has to hold his cup a little tighter when Donnie gets to the part that no one listened to him, and how that led to the Incident happening.

His voice gets very, very quiet as he talks about the moment he’d been suspended in the air. Leo hadn’t been able to hear anything of the exchange between April and his brother from below, but the conversation has clearly left its mark on Donnie.

It’s hard to listen to. There’s a long pause of silence when Donnie trails off, full of regrets and still sharply fresh memories.

“…I know it wasn’t her,” Donnie says eventually, voice nearly whisper quiet, “but I just… can’t get my head around the fact she. She knew me, still. At the last second, she talked to me. And then…” He swallows. “still did it anyway.”

Donnie’s eyes lift from his hands around his tea, giving Leo a look of guilt and deep pain. “Does it… does it make me a bad person?” He asks, voice wavering. “To feel mad at her for that, even though it’s not her fault?”

Leo tries to find something wise to say, something to heal that hurt with a single sentence, but he comes up empty. All he can say is, “No. No I don’t think it does. I think that’s… normal to feel.”

Donnie closes his eyes, takes a slow, shuddering breath, and opens his eyes again. They’re glossy under the lab lights, but Leo doesn’t say anything about that.

“It’s not her fault,” Donnie says again, like he’s been saying since the night happened. His voice is hoarse as he does. “I should have done something sooner. It’s not her fault this happened.”

“It’s not yours either,” Leo says gently, even as Donnie looks away from him. “We should have listened- _all_ of us should have listened. You knew something was wrong and we ignored it. It’s not her fault, and it’s not yours. Okay? You did your best, Donnie.” His brother still won’t look at him, and the way Donnie’s jaw clenches is painful to watch.

“It wasn’t enough,” Donnie whispers tightly, eyes hard and bright. “It wasn’t enough and she. She.”

 _Killed me,_ hangs in the air. Bitter and heavy as it’d been the first night after.

“…she wouldn’t hurt you on purpose, Donnie. Not in her right mind,” Leo says, and it makes Donnie take a harsh breath in. “April wouldn’t do that to any of us. I’ve… talked with her, a few times. She feels awful about this. But it’s neither of your faults. It’s Za’naron’s, okay? Don’t take blame for something you shouldn’t.”

Donnie shakes his head mutely, and they lapse into silence again. The longer it stretches, the worse Leo feels about having nothing to really fix this. He understands now how Donnie must have felt, the months it took for Leo to recover from his coma. The wanting to say a few words and make his brother feel better, to understand it’s _not his fault_ , that April wouldn’t hurt him on purpose, that he shouldn’t feel so badly for resenting her just a little for doing so…

That brings a thought to Leo’s mind. Accidental hurts.

“…Karai’s rebuilding the Foot clan,” Leo says, which is enough a topic change that Donnie finally looks at him again.

“…so?” Donnie asks. “She’s been doing that for months.”

Leo nods once. “She wears the Kuro Kabuto most nights, too.”

Donnie keeps giving him a look of blank confusion, obviously wondering why Leo’s brought this up right now. Leo keeps talking. “She uses his throne, too, you know. You’ve seen her in it. And they kept the same uniform dress code for the Foot soldiers. Even the same insignia.”

Donnie clearly doesn’t see Leo’s point yet. “And?”

“She’s taking his place, Donnie,” Leo says plainly. The shadowy form of Shredder looming over him plays in his memory, like it often does on bad nights. “He’s still out there, and she’s already decided she wants to put things back to how they’d been before. Except she’s the master of the clan this time around.” He laughs without humor. “It’s a little hard to see her walking around with that helmet on, you know?”

Donnie keeps staring in confusion until finally, it clicks.

“Oh. Oh, Leo,” Donnie’s expression morphs into sympathy. “I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I didn’t even- I never even thought of that. God.”

Leo nods, giving a wry smile. “I haven’t said anything, and I don’t plan to, but it’s… difficult to swallow. Spending years trying to dismantle the Foot and its control of New York, and having our own sister start building it right back up.” He gives himself a small shake, brushing off the old and new nightmares that follow him. “Look. Point is, Karai doesn’t even know she’s doing it and I doubt she’d mean to give me flashbacks on bad nights. And I know it’s not the same thing- not anywhere _near_ the same thing, but… I just want you to know. I kind of get it. What it feels like to get hurt unintentionally by someone you care about.”

Donnie looks at him for a long moment, and then smiles wetly.

“It sucks a lot, doesn’t it?” He says, and then covers his mouth; hunching on himself. Leo is already coming around the table when Donnie let out the first muffled cry.

Leo is taller than his brother like this, him standing and Donnie sitting. He takes advantage of it to tuck his brother’s head under his chin while he hugs Donnie; holding onto his brother until he can pull himself back together. Donnie clutches Leo tightly, and barely lets out any sound as his breathing falters, then unsteadily continues. Growing stronger with each intake.

It won’t fix anything immediately, but it’s a good step towards fixing things eventually.

It’s as much a comfort to Donnie as it is to Leo; holding onto each other like this. Donnie had been outside anyone’s reach for help that night, but he’s here now. Tangible and _alive._

A long time ago, Leo told himself he’d die before he let one of his brothers do so. He failed that promise. He makes a new one that he will never, _ever,_ fail like this again. He couldn’t take the experience twice, he just couldn’t.

When Leo and Donnie finally emerge from the lab, cups empty and hearts at least a fraction lighter, they’re welcomed back by Raph and Mikey, who are none too subtly waiting on the couches for them. They take Donnie and set him in the middle of everything, surrounded on all sides by sympathy, comfort, and listening ears.

Donnie’s voice doesn’t waver so badly, now. Encircled and protected. It’s a small victory, but Leo will take it.

It’s not fixed with a single evening of sharing empathy, the broken and battered state of Donnie and April, of their relationship and minds, but it’s a start. And they- the two of them, Leo, their whole family- are all willing to work towards the better future lying ahead.

It’s Leo’s job, officially and unofficially, to make sure his brothers are okay. They’re not little kids anymore, but that doesn’t mean the gut reaction to keep them safe, to make them happy, has gone away. And so long as Leo has them by his side, it never will.

 

\--/--

 

He fails his promise a second time.

Splinter dies, and Leo.

He.

Becomes lost.

The night it happens, everything burns. He cuts away the drowning grief and turns his blades on the source. He marches them into battle and refuses to let himself stop moving, one foot in front of the other, his bad leg be _damned-_ until it’s over.

And then it is, and he.

He doesn’t know what to do.

Leo washes off the spray of mutant green blood on his hands, cleans his swords and gear, and then just. Sits. Stops thinking.

He sinks. Silently. Into himself, his mind, the black ocean that’d claimed him on and off, after the Shredder broke him the first time. He sinks, and he can’t even wonder if he’s drowning. He just knows he is.

Leo has always guided his brothers, but _he_ has always been guided in turn. By their father, by the only source of parental love they’ve ever had. The first person to ever love them. Shells and all, unconditionally.

And now Splinter is gone, and Leo. Leo needs to.

Lead them. Protect them. His brothers, he has to keep them safe in place of their father. That’s his job. But.

He can’t. Not like this.

There’s no do-over this time. No time travel, no psychic power. Just. Finality.

Leo feels like he’s dying as he kneels in front of the dojo tree. He almost wishes he was. It would be escape from a grief that’s swallowing him up and leaving nothing behind. Only emptiness.

He doesn’t know which way to go, how to move forwards. Leo’s eyes burn, like he’s been trying to do to everything poisoning him through. It hurts, but not nearly as much as his heart does. Splinter is dead. He’s dead and never coming back. There’s no one left to lead him, no one left to tell Leo that it will be _alright,_ even in the worst moments when he’s too weak to say it himself. How could he move forwards from this, how could he _ever_ move past it-

How is he supposed to-

 _-live_ like this, missing such a huge chunk of himself and- and-

-he’s all alone, in charge and bearing a mantle that’s still decades too big for him to hope to handle. He’s not ready, he can’t be the Sensei, he doesn’t _want_ to be a Sensei, he just wants to be a son and be _held,_ be quieted and told _it’s okay, it’ll all be okay, eventually, don’t worry, you’re not-_

“-alone, Leo,” Mikey whispers, arms tight around Leo’s back. His voice is hoarse, but firm. “You got us. It’s gonna be okay, you got us. We got you.”

Leo comes back from the suffocating depths, where his worst fears and memories hold him in night terrors and flashbacks, and takes in a shuddering breath. His face is wet, and everything _hurts,_ but Mikey is here. He’s not alone.

A second set, stronger and broader, wrap around them both from the side. Raph’s forehead is laid on Leo’s shoulder, hiding the struggle Raph hates to show, but comforting. Saying he’s here, too, for Leo. On the opposite side, the way only lanky arms can, Donnie encircles all three of them in his grasp. Adding his tireless support, the way he always gives it whenever one of them is in need. Leo is wrapped up in a group hug and he’s no longer alone.

He was never alone. He’ll never be alone.

Not so long as he has his brothers.

Leo sobs hoarsely, but he doesn’t fall any further. He’s drawn up and away, kept from the ocean of despair by three pairs of arms that would never leave him there. Supporting and grounding, keeping him present and together. Holding onto him until he can hold himself up again.

And they need him, too. They’re broken, but they’re together. Their father is gone but they’re all still here, the four of them. Like it’s always been.

Leo raises his hands, gripping Donnie and Raph and Mikey’s arms, and holds onto them just as tightly.

Leo can’t be their Sensei, no matter what their father wanted, but he. He can be this. He can be their brother.

And maybe that’s enough.

 

\--/--

 

They move forwards. They move on. They mend the hole that Splinter left, but they don’t close it over. It’s there, and always will be, but it fades to an old scar like the many others covering their bodies. It becomes bearable.

Leo leans on his brothers until he can stand again, and then they walk forwards together. Supporting and being supported.

Their father is gone, but like they always have, right from the start.

They have each other. They have their brothers.

For Leo, that will always be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> find all the information about me and my writing [here on my tumblr](https://onthespectrumwriting.tumblr.com/). hmu if you're looking for some content personalized to your desires. ;3c


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